Michael Portnoy at the Swiss Institute

Melissa Brown and I show up right on time for M.P.'s performance at the Swiss Institute.

Melissa has seen him perform before - after her band played in Miami.

She said she thinks he might have jumped up on stage without anyone's permission.

But tonight he seems to have gone through the right channels.

We run into Sam Gordon - he has seen M.P. perform before too.

"Be careful in the front row," says Sam. "We might get food on us."

But there doesn't seem to be anything on stage that will stain my pants.

The mission tonight is to crank call people from ArtReview's annual list of the 100 most powerful people in contemporary art,

and keep them on hold.

"Think of all the art that will be piling up while we waste their time." says M.P.

Sometimes the performance is pure slapstick.

And I forget myself in the audience.

But laughing out loud while we are on the phone with _____'s next door neighbor,

we are suddenly all implicated in the prank.

"Richard Prince #26. What a dick. I don't want to call him." says M.P.

He makes up dirty jokes instead,

He has his assistant bang them out on his ass.

Sometimes I am mad at him for the way he speaks to her,

although I know,I know... its all part of the act.

And he treats his other friends just as poorly.

He tries to get some high rolling officials from Waste Management on the phone,

but they prove to be more elusive than those in the art world.

He calls 311, impersonating Larry Gagosian, and tries to get a special waste pickup from 555 West 24th.

"Don't pay too much attention to what I say," says M.P. "it's all about the hold music, it's about expanding the way people approach hold music."

But its hard not to pay attention to the double entendre

and the uncomfortable poetic lapses,

and in the end they have expanded everything just enough.

He sings along karaoki style to Billy Joel's 'Always a Woman'.

"Isn't art and trash 'always a woman'" says M.P.

I see what he means when he points out the words :
Oh--she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh--and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
And she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

PS I asked Sam Gordon to tell me a little about Michael Portnoy. Here is what he writes:
Portnoy, or soy bomb as he is known to a larger public (google that if you don't know) is one of a kind, they broke the mold after making him. Infamous for numerous private salons and public freakouts, he threw his mic at one of Performa's patrons at their recent benefit, which got his act shut down. He's been adopted by the Swiss Institute, or maybe more like foster care, in Basel he served hors d'oeuvres though glory holes at their booth. When protest and action seem all quickly and totally commodified, his situations, which include spoken world, singing, and often screaming have an urgency with perhaps an agency that may not stop the tide of waste and taste, but will keep you laughing while they skin us alive.